I was having a conversation last night with a fellow military spouse about the differences in deployments. Not in location, not in mission, not in length, but simply how we as significant others (and our guys deploying) handle them personally. It’s so easy to feel weak, to forget that we’re built for being tough (Army Strong, right?). But it got me thinking about our first deployment, versus our current one.
We are currently on our second tour. Hubs was gone for 15 months the first time, was home for 12 months almost to the day, and will be gone another 12. I still remember to this day what it was like dropping him off and driving away. It was heart wrenching. I literally felt like I had been broken up with, my heart ripped from my chest, and then tossed to the curb only to be run over a few times by buses and dump trucks. It was that painful. I also didn’t have a job yet, we hadn’t been together for very long, I had just moved 3,000 miles across the country to be with him a month and a half prior — so it was difficult. I felt completely lost, and wasn’t really sure what I was going to do with myself. On top of that, Army Life was SO new to me. I was a very small fish in a very large ocean. PANIC!
The deployment itself was loooong. I will admit that I was (and still am) lucky enough that we got to talk a lot, usually multiple times a day during the deployment. But, with being in a new relationship, and being so far apart for so long, we struggled. I dealt with being alone by going out with my girlfriends. A LOT. I was out probably every weekend, because hey, I didn’t know anybody. I had one friend when I moved out here, who I didn’t even know until I GOT here, thanks to a mutual friend back home. I’ve always been a social person — I needed friends. So that’s what I did. I made friends, and made sure I spent a lot of time with them. A lot of wine was consumed, let me tell you!
And let me tell you that when they say it takes a year to recover as a couple from a deployment, it takes a year. If anybody tells you that their spouse came back from a long deployment and things were completely normal, they are lying to you!
That year that we had back together was a struggle. We fought, a lot. We had to readjust to being together. I’ve always been an independent person, and always lived on my own for the most part. So it was an adjustment. There were a lot of ups and downs that year, but neither of us gave up, and we got past it. We became a better couple, I believe, because of it.
You know — just in time for him to leave again.
I think that’s where the differences come in. This still sucks. My heart still hurts because I can’t be with my hubs every day, even though he is fully capable of annoying the crap out of me at times. But … it’s different. It doesn’t feel as tough as it did last time. I think a lot of that has to do with knowing what to expect. And having a job that I actually love this time around (instead of the crap one I ended up last deployment). It keeps me busy. I do wish he would call more, I wish he would pick up a pen and write me a letter, I wish I would get more heartfelt emails. Hubs isn’t really a touchy feely kind of guy. and that’s ok. So yeah, like I said … always something.
But, I don’t go out that often anymore. Granted, I was pregnant from the get go. But even still, I’m not doing dinners with friends, I don’t really “hang out” with anyone. My social status has dropped completely, and I’m really ok with that. I sort of like keeping to myself. My sweats, my couch, and my pups — I’m good with that. I like the difference from last time. The occasional happy with the work girls is good enough for me.
Deployments definitely don’t come easy, and this one has had, and I’m sure will continue to have it’s fair share of struggles. It would very naive of me to think that we will just breeze through this year without any sort of complication just because we’ve been through one deployment already. Personally, we’ve already gone through a lot in the short two and a half months that he’s been gone. But we both are working very hard to keep up with the progress that we made this last year. But, being thousands of miles apart, it doesn’t really. We’re trying, and succeeding thus far 
So there’s a plus!
Every deployment comes with it’s struggles, and the other wives that I talk to regularly I think will all agree, that every single deployment is different. Not good, not bad, not worse or better … just different. So if you’re feeling lost, and feeling like you should have this down because you’ve already been through it, hang in there!! It’s never the same, and it’s never easy.
It may get easier… but never easy. And that’s ok.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
i was so engrossed in this post. thank you for writing it. as you know, i’m one of those miserable girls on her first deployment. i am worried and lonely and unsure about so many things. it’s funny, not haha funny, how different deployments feel to different people….
I think you may have a different mind-set now, not only more convident in your relationship but also more adjusted to your life here in Fay, and having both of those helps tremendously! It’s never easy, but with the right mind-set there are (slightly) less days when you just want to cry yourself to sleep. Being OK with being alone (i.e. hanging out at home alone and not going out all the time) shows your much more comforatable with it all which is so wonderful!!! : ) I know it’s hard, but I’m glad it’s (slightly) easier for you thing go-round!