The Great “Entitlement” Debate

If you follow the military through social media or the news these days, then this article should be no surprise to you. A fallen soldier is on his way home from Afghanistan. Due to overbooked flights, his family [6 members] is unable to board the same flight his flag-draped casket is scheduled to be on. When the women at the terminal gate announced why exactly they needed people to give up their seats, three people stepped forward.

It took 30 minutes, after much begging and pleading from the gate attendants, for three more people to step forward.

It’s sad, and disgusting and heart breaking that people in this country can’t appreciate a person who gave their life for our country. They weren’t killed in a car accident. They weren’t killed hiking in some foreign mountains. He was killed in the line of duty, doing something that our government ordered him to do. As United States residents, we should respect and honor him AND his family.

But, that is not what this article is about. I was asked by my good blogger friends, Tucker and LAW, to write about another article and topic, closely related to this one. And, because I totally love them, I’m doing just that.

Tom Ricks, over at Foreign Policy wrote a brief article [and by brief I mean he mentioned the situation in one paragraph, but also, HOORAY, linked to LeftFace, my group blog] in regards to this fallen service member and his family, and the horrible situation that was at hand. The topic of this discussion is about some of the comments that have been made.

While I’m not surprised that some of the comments were not at all friendly, they bring up an interesting point. Here is a quick snapshot of some of the comments [emphasis mine]:

I’m sick of this growing military exceptionalism, and I’m worried that much of it is driven by spouses. Not parents – the ones who have the least choice in the matter – but fellow volunteers. Now, why is that? I’ve served on and off over the past nine years. I’m about to re-enlist; my wife is about to enlist. We know about separation. But I volunteered to serve, and my wife volunteered to marry me. We knew the risks and the sacrifices. Yet, day in, day out, we see spouses make a big fuss on the internet, and I think it’s largely because the web has provided an emotional blow-out valve. I know deployments are tough and emotional, but in the end this internet-driven hysteria is both attention-seeking and causes long-term damage to civil-military relations.

I think much of this is driven not just by spouses, but specifically by wives. … when you have women disproportionately running the show, things often get too hysterical. A lot of raw emotion is re-packaged as outrage and sold as something more than that it is (men do the same and re-package it as anger). Too much of this military spouse activism is emotions first, rationality second.

I’m embarrassed by the extent to which people feel they are entitled to be lionized and given exceptions because they volunteered to join the military.

Obviously, comments like these are making people a little crazy. I don’t feel as strongly on the issue as some of my counter parts do [see also here and here for other takes on the issue], but I do think that this “entitlement” issue deserves being addressed. Do we, as military spouses feel entitled because of what our spouses do? Should our spouses feel entitled? Do we have the RIGHT to this entitlement?

These questions, for me, don’t have a black and white answer. For me, it’s not as simple as a yes or no area. The topic is very grey. There is lots of middle ground on all of this! My opinion is mostly that no, I do not feel that I am any more special than somebody else. In the situation above, if GOD FORBID I had to fly my husband home like that poor family did, then yes — I would expect somebody to stand up and help me out. Because my husband does, every single day, what a majority of the people in this country refuse to do. I’m sorry, but simply shouting your patriotism from the rooftops [ahem ... Glenn Beck. Sorry. Had to get that jab in there] does not make you better or more entitled than somebody else. Putting yourself on the front line, getting shot at and being blown up by IEDs, spending months and years away from your family, missing births, birthdays and important events, or worse yet, giving your life for your country – that absolutely does give you a right to some sort of entitlement. And to some degree, I expect people to treat my husband better. I would, in a heart beat, give my seat up to a service member who needed it. Whether he was flying for work, or coming home on R&R. Even though my husband does not feel the same way ["It's my job. I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting myself into when I joined post-9/11."] I love seeing people treating him with respect and honor when they find out what he does. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside knowing that there are people out there who appreciate him and his sacrifices as much as I do, as well as appreciating the other 1% of the American population who serve in our Military.

However. Comma.

Is there a line? Should spouses feel that same sort of entitlement that Service Members do? I consider myself extremely lucky, and maybe my opinions are so because I haven’t been jaded by the crap the Army can spew out at you. Snarky Navy Wife has definitely had her fair share of bullshit in her years as a military spouse, and I know plenty of others who could say the same.

But me? We’ve been at Fort Bragg for about five years ago, and have recently made the choice[something that a lot of military couples don't have] to stay here for a couple of more. Our basic housing allowance is enough to cover our mortgage and most of our basic utilities. Health care? It’s not GREAT, but when I was having issues with my primary care physician, I made a phone call to Tricare and they switched me to a much better clinic. I have been happily with them now for about two years. Sure, it takes a couple extra phone calls, and having to go to the emergency room for anything is a major pain in the ass. But I don’t pay for anything. Not prescriptions, not the breast reduction I just had that would have cost a civilian around $6,000, no co-pays. Nothing. Their basic pay isn’t that great — but then things like jump pay and BAH (which, I realize not everybody gets) are not taxed which for us turns out to be a pretty good pay check every month. Again, I realize, completely, that I have been lucky. I don’t have any major gripes with the basic things of our lifestyle. The things that are given to us.

But what about everything else? I’m throwing this out here, and I know that it will make some of my other military spouse friends cringe, but I know what I signed up for. I DID know coming in that the Army sucked, that the programs sucked, that it never went the way that they “said” it would go. Prior to getting married, I had a crash course in how dysfunctional the military is when they changed his deployment date FIVE TIMES in a matter of three weeks. They lied to me. They lied to me again when they told me he would only be gone for 12 months, only to have him gone for 15. Programs like MyCAA, which as others have pointed out was PROMISED to the military spouses. It was touted in front of those who were thinking about reenlisting as this wonderful option for military spouses. Something for THEM. Go back to school, get a degree [as long as it fits into a certain category, but thats another post], and you don’t have to pay for it. And then POOF. It was gone. Just like that. With no real explanation, and from the looks of it, no plan to bring it back. Dangling this, like so many other programs, in front of military spouses and then yanking them away is definitely not cool. So, I agree that getting fired up about situations like that are definitely worth the anger. But is it a surprise that the military has a fucked up way of showing they care? No. Not really.

But on the flip side, much like my husband, I do things that a lot of couples in this country don’t. I deal with deployments — LONG ones. These aren’t just some twinky business trip over a couple of states for a week or two. We’re talking 12 months, 15 months at a time, with my husband constantly in a state of danger. Guns. Bombs. IEDs. In between deployments there are trainings, sometimes months at a time; it doesn’t matter if its in between deployments. Those six weeks he’s gone? It still counts as “dwell time.” And during that time I run a household by myself. I have dealt with family deaths, miscarriages, financial burdens, shitty jobs with nobody to talk to when I come home at night, keeping up with not only my immediate family, but his as well. Worrying about my husband 24/7 while he is away, hoping and praying that is safe and sound. Dreading that doorbell knock or the government car drive by. Throw in kids in there, for all those other families that have them, and you have kids crying because they miss daddy/mommy, kids who don’t KNOW who their other parent is, missed births, missed first steps, first words, first teeth … There is so much emotional baggage that comes with being a military spouse.

I don’t think that I am “entitled” to better programs, or more money on my husbands paycheck, or perfect health care. Because again, I knew what I was getting into. While the Army, in particular, has made leaps and bounds over the years in terms of how they look at families [I see less and less of the "if the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one" mentality], its not perfect. And it never will be. I don’t think I deserve anything more tangible simply because of what my husband does.

However, I do feel entitled to respect. And an understanding of what we, as spouses, go through on a daily basis. Being a military spouse is extremely difficult. It’s not your typical, every day, average Joe marriage. We go through difficulties and hardships that 99% of the people in this country cannot, in their wildest dreams, fathom. You can listen, and you can read about it all you want, but until you go through what I mentioned above, you absolutely cannot relate. So yes, I expect respect, and sympathy and understanding of our situation. I do feel entitled to those three things.

I am entitled a seat on a plane.

Tagged as: Civilians, Deployments, Entitlement, Military Spouses