I have hit a wall in my life.
I want to put it out there that I love working. And I LOVE my job. I couldn’t ask for anything better. This is what I wanted for my life … a career. And I’m glad I have it. But damn. This girl needs a break. And there are days, like today, where the concept of being a stay at home wife looks really, really good. My house would be clean all the time. And ORGANIZED. I would never be behind on laundry. I could paint the canvases that have been sitting in our spare bedroom, blank and lonely for the past year. I could drive off somewhere for an hour and take photos without stressing about all the things that need to be done. The things I could accomplish! The list is long. And overwhelming all at the same time.
It’s when that overwhelming feeling starts to kick in that I start to lose it. And instead of feeling put together, I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with my life. By the time I get home in the evenings, I’ve worked probably a nine to ten hour day. If I’m lucky, I’ve spent an hour at the gym afterwards. Bottom line? I’m exhausted. But there is dinner to be cooked, dogs to be fed, a husband to tend to, bills to pay, mail to sort, emails to respond to. If I don’t get it done during the week, which I rarely do, then my weekends are spent trying to make some sort of dent in my to do list. I’m not getting to do the things I love with my two days off a week. I’m not painting. I’m not taking photographs like I would like to. My days are long, and overextended. And right now, I’m not really enjoying my life. Throw in the fact that my husband currently is not here, which means I have zero help with anything, and I’m just about ready to fall down. I was barely off a year deployment, which is enough to throw anybody into a tail spin, before he took off again. There was no recovery time.
I need a vacation. Not even a vacation! Just some time off. Time to catch up. To feel like a normal person again who has it all together. Because I feel very lost these days. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water, and no matter how hard I swim or try to tread, I’m sinking just a little bit further each day. I feel like I’m a wreck.
My husband doesn’t understand this, and I think that is the worst part. He doesn’t get where I’m coming from when I briefly tried to explain this to him. But I need to do something to get some sort of order back into my chaotic and disquiet life. I’m not sure what that is just yet. With that said, I know I’m not special, and I know that lots of people probably feel this way, and go through much worse during their days. Either way, some soul searching is needed in my life.
You know … if I can fit it in.
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