When I decided that I was going to commit myself to my relationship with my now husband, it involved moving 3,000 miles across the country to be where he was already living. It also involved leaving behind family and friends, people that I had known my entire life, or at the very least, a very large chunk of it. It was building a fantastic relationship without, unfortunately, my friends or family being any part of it, or getting to really know the person that I was falling in love with [and would one day marry].
I think I can count on one hand the number of times that since we have been together (over four years) that my family has been able to spend time with my husband. It’s difficult for family and friends of past to build a relationship with somebody that is never there, isn’t it?
Last month, my husband went back to Portland [his home city] to visit family and friends. I have never had a problem with him [or us] visiting in the past, but for whatever reason I did this time. Probably because I was not able to go with him this time around. While they are important people in his life, same as my family and friends back home, and he should spend time with them, it was difficult for me to NOT be there. Because plain and simple, they don’t know me. They know him, and they know him prior to him knowing me. They don’t know him as married guy, because they know nothing about our life together [how could they?] and so it’s only natural for them to want to do things that perhaps he would never do while he was here.
Plain and simple, they don’t have “our” interest at heart. They have his. Not mine. Not “ours” as a couple.
I had this conversation with my husband while he was out visiting and I think for the most part he understood where I was coming from. The recent problem is that we are planning a trip out to Seattle in April to spend time with my family and my friends for all of these reasons — so they can get to know him better and he can better know the people that are so important in my life. But the problem is that his side doesn’t understand why he can’t head down to Portland — without or without me — to spend some time, same as my family didn’t understand why I didn’t fly home to Seattle alone while he was in Portland.
It’s a mess, and living 3,000 miles away does not help one bit.
We met on a whim and our life together truely began when I moved out here to be with him. There was no “us” for people to get to know. He was home on leave, and just happened to be at my baby sister’s wedding. The rest [for us] is history. And the Army, for the most part, has been pretty good to us. We have made some fabulous friends since we moved out here together. I think the reason why I love being a military spouse so much is because its something that we are doing together. There’s no awkwardness in hanging out with people. They are not his friends, or my friends. They are our friends. They are people who love US, not just one of us individually.
Maybe things will change. Maybe we will get stationed closer to the Northwest someday, and this won’t be an issue anymore. Our family and friends can see us as one entity who love each other, instead of just the friend with the wife/husband tagging along.
But the questions is how do you balance past life with new life? Especially when you live so far away? I have yet to figure that out, because it seems that feelings are always getting hurt, or people are getting upset. Which I hate doing!
How about you? Have any of you ever struggled with this, or had this type of situation? Thoughts!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Honestly, my husband and I were together such a short amount of time before we got married that I think it’s still an odd concept for our friends/family to remember we’re together sometimes. His side has been far more open and accepting than mine. I think just because I’ve been through a lot and they didn’t want me getting hurt again; his friends were more open to seeing him happy with someone and so they were far more encouraging and outreaching. I think the only people who truly get us are the mutual friends we had in high school who can see us now and think that it works and it’s not awkward or odd to them. I’m very much looking forward to making new friends together who don’t know either of us without the other though, like you have.
Honestly, I have the same problem, but for different reasons. My parents tend to want to see me because they don’t really support the decision I made to move far away to be with my boyfriend. His parents, on the other hand, are so clingy about me that it tends to tick me off. I guess I should be grateful. I would be hurt to know that they couldn’t care less, I suppose. I think, finally though, my parents (ie. my mom) is starting to come around now that she sees how happy I am. I make it a point to call her at the very least 1x a week and tell her what’s going on in my life. I also make it a point to talk about BF and what’s going on with him. I think she’s finally getting that I’m happy where I am, and that BF and I are a package deal. (And thank goodness, because I spent a LOT of time devising that strategy. Next up: somehow getting her to come VISIT me. Yikes.) But I know exaclty where you’re coming from. <3
Please read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse – Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I want to get the word out about the challenges spouses of veterans returning from combat with severe PTSD are facing.
http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/
I only started the Blog yesterday but I will be posting every day. Your help is greatly appreciated in spreading the word. Especially as we have so many young men and women returning from war whose spouses may feel alone and isolated, and are confused by the change in their loved one’s behavior and maybe think they are doing something wrong to upset they wounded warrior! They are not alone and I want to show my support by sharing my stories.
Thank you so much for your time.