One of the great things about my friend Lauren [who I wrote about yesterday] is the ease in which I can talk to her. We always have really great conversations, and while we may not always agree on things [although we do agree on a lot], we can talk in a civilized manner and get to an end conclusion without any fuss.
I have a lot of great people in my life — people who love me for who I am and like Lauren, accept me AS I am. Flaws and differences and all. After spending a weekend with her, it was easy to see that I don’t really have great people here in town. Being a military wife is hard. EXTREMELY hard. It can be a very lonely lifestyle when your husband is on constant rotations for deployment, like mine is. And if you don’t have great people in your life to help you through it? Then it can be down right miserable.
I’ve come to the conclusion, after my weekend in Vegas, that working to maintain friendships that aren’t that great to begin with is very exhausting. I have people in my life here who claim to be a friend, yet never ask how I’m doing, never called after the miscarriage, never ask about my husband and how he’s doing, or ever ask if I need anything. I’m not saying I need a full on pity party, and I don’t know if they assume that because I’m not a stay-at-home-wife that somehow I don’t need to be checked in on every once in a while. Personal sanity is personal sanity, and I will tell you that coming home to an empty house every single night is far worse than constantly being in that empty house. I’ve done both, and at least for me, the constant reminder that nobody is home waiting for you sucks hardcore.
The truth is, I have never had to work so hard in my entire life to maintain the friendships that I have here. And in all honesty, if we left Fort X today, then I can think of a very small handful of people that I would actually care to keep in contact with. Because if it’s that much work when you are in the same zip code, how much work will it be across state lines?
The truth is, is that I’m tired. Certain people here will tell me one thing, and then do another. Or cause drama by repeating things that do not need to be repeated for the sake of gossip. Or trick me by inviting me over to see their newborn baby, and then sit me down on their couch and verbally attack me for an hour, over shit that doesn’t make any sense. People here are cruel. And liars. And can’t be trusted. They are only out for themselves, and I’m beyond over it.
I hate being the cynic. And again, I don’t feel this way about every single person that I know here. I have a couple of truly great, honest girlfriends who genuinely care about me, and accept me 100%. Not 83%. Not “we really like these qualities about you, but we don’t like these qualities.”
My husband told me something the other day that made a lot of sense. He said that some people in your life are meant to just be friends of convenience. They don’t have to mean anything, they are just there. And that you will always known who your true friends are. I’m finding that my true friends aren’t all here. The Internet is a wonderful place, people. And without Tucker, NAPIH, LAW , the rest of the LeftFacer’s as well as my friends in other states, I never would have made it through this deployment. They may be hundreds or thousands of miles away from me, but they have been genuine. And the genuine friendships are the ones that I’m focusing on for right now. My husband comes home from this dreaded deployment in just a few short weeks [hooray!] and it will be nice to have somebody in my corner.
But all this petty bullshit? The lies? The unwanted advice? The back and forth? You can keep it. Because I’m moving on. No more giving and trying to maintain friendships that obviously aren’t worth it in the long run.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Good on ya, girl. I went through the exact same thing when I moved to Salt Lake City and then quit my corporate job. It seems like being different equals a threat to many, many people…especially, I’d guess, women. You know I’m not big on the phone…but I WILL use it if you need me, and you can always email or chat.
Wow wonderful!!! I feel the same were I am and have been thinking maybe it was just me, or that I am doing something wrong…….cause really how have can it be to keep friendships???? I have never had this problem before!!!! You have helped me realize that maybe just maybe its not fully me, it is the type of people around me……..they were never here to stay buy myside, they were here for the moment for that reason no other. There is a time to let go and get out of the env. while you still can with you sanity
And I have also started this process with in the past couple of weeks, its a great deal of stress and burden that has been released 
(This is our first deployment, and duty station…….learning the ropes very quick here) I hope everything works out for you hun, I have found it is hard to find the true friends that we need in our lives 
Congrats and I am sure you are so happy that your hubby will be home soon 
Hope you get the most enjoyment out of him being home
It just sucks that someone is picking on you and showing what a friendship is NOT! want me to come down and pull out a can of whupass? why… oh why, do “friends” do this? You’ve listened, you’ve been honest, you’ve been in my corner, and I will say Amen to the group of REAL friends.
I want to thank YOU for the friendship, the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent to, and the knitting…
LAW
Lauren: I know you are always there if I need you! Phone, email, chat … whatever. And I hope you know I’m here all the same!
Jones: This is our first duty station, too. I think it’s a learning process. I just haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet [and I've been here three and a half years!]. *sigh* Maybe by the 5 year mark I’ll have picked up on something
LAW: Nobody is picking on me right now, thank goodness. Was just having an epiphany. People suck. The end. Except for you [and the others!] of course!
I’m always here for you.
Jettison the negative baggage! I finally decided that I need people in my life that GIVE me energy, not suck it out of me. Friendships should be uplifting and reciprocal and accepting and honest. I think you’ll find you feel as a weight has been lifted when you don’t waste your energy trying to make more out of friendships of convenience. Your husband is exactly right.
And when you’re feeling down, think of your TRUE friends and know how lucky you are to have found each other.
Also…
Yay! for the end of the deployment!!!
You’re so right, Jenn!!
Honestly, just making this decision makes me feel 10 times better.
I do know this feeling. I’ve done a lot of cutting the excess baggage from my life too…And the hubby is right. Sometimes, you have people who there so that if you don’t have anybody to go to happy hour, you can call. And those people are okay as long as it’s not high drama. But the high drama…? NOBODY needs that.
FYI. I jettsioned those type of people in my life about 15 years ago. The ones that were left…imagine this…are still my friends. There may not be a lot of them but they have been through through all the shit and then some. I am so lucky to have them in my life!! (and you..I am so proud of you!!)
I totally know what you mean about friends of convenience! At my university I know a lot of people like that, and it’s rough being around them and having to be wary of their friendship. One girl I knew had a relative pass on, and when one of our friends called her she didn’t ask about that, but instead wanted to use her apartment for a party. How rude, huh?
I’m sorry to hear you had to deal with people like that. I think no matter where someone is at in their life – married, dating, whatever – it can happen, especially in dating/marrying a soldier. I get pretty lonely at school because no one here gets what I’m going through, but I do appreciate the few friends I have who are genuinely concerned and don’t try to change who I am or try to be insensitive about the difficult stuff. I might not have much to contribute, but I will say that finding and keeping good friends is way more important than the people who are “friends.”
I sure miss you- Makes me so mad when I hear about the stupid people down south that are always rippin’ you a new one. Don’t worry, I’m saving my pennies (looked up how much it’ll cost me to fly down and visit you) and when I do, we can do a little WA style whoop-a** on them
(P.S. Don’t laugh at me for sounding silly. I’m very tired and cranky- it’s homecoming week and I’m itching for a fight!) You will always be my friend, no matter where you choose to live. I know I need to call more- how does Sat. sound? Coffee in bed over the phone?
I miss you, too! And don’ t worry — the “rippin’ a new one” event took place months ago, but for whatever reason, it still really bothers me. Probably because of all the hypocrisy that happened with all involved. But whatever — this is me letting go!!! But you were not who I was referring to at all. I don’t expect a phone call every single day, and I know we don’t talk much, but when we do it’s quality, and I know you care
And YAY! I can’t wait for you to come visit! LOVE YOU.
Brittany, I could not agree with you more. There is only one friend here that I can actually count on and she is leaving in a few months. It seems that with this life, friends enter our lives so fast and go even faster. I know your hubby comes home very soon, but if you ever want to get together and grab coffee or something let me know! I am a little out of sorts in the South too, I can’t seem to shake the yankee in me.
I miss my friends too. This is hard. And this part of it doesn’t even have an end in sight. It sucks. But something will give.