The other day, I posted about the bad that can come from an FRG. My intention was to post something wonderful about Family Readiness Groups, but I was sidetracked by the garbage that was spewed by our oh so wonderful Rear D guy. To update you on that really quick … his ass is grass. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only spouse that complained. So needless to say, dude. is. toast.
Unfortunately, these are the type of stories that get out, and give the FRG a bad name. I will be completely honest with you. I am a big, big advocate of the FRG. When I first moved out here to Fort X, our FRG leader contacted me, and was a great resource. She was always available to talk, whenever I needed it, and really helped me through the 15 month deployment. On top of that, I was new to the Army lifestyle. I learned so much through my volunteer work with them, that I may have not learned otherwise. It was a wonderful way to immerse myself in Army culture.
Our FRG is a well-oiled machine. We are a small company — only 60 guys [and girls]. About half of those are married. Of those 30 or so spouses, only about 10 of us stick around during deployments. We’re a pretty tight-knit group. We had some bumps in the road the first half of this deployment, but some leadership changes have been made, and we are back on track to doing the great things that we do. Case in point: earlier this week one of our spouses went into labor six weeks early. Because I work on post, I shot over to the hospital, and we [the FRG leadership] took turns staying with her until the baby was born. I got in touch with my husband [thank you technology!], who was able to shoot a message to her husband. As a result, daddy was able to be on the phone with mama during the labor and was able to hear his baby girl cry for the first time. We stayed at the hospital with her. We arranged for family members to pick up her kids. We took care of her. And, it was awesome. 
Now, I realize, after talking to quite a few people and hearing the stories, that not all FRG’s are as great as mine is. I consider myself very lucky that we have such dedicated people to helping out.
So, if your FRG sucks [and trust me, I know. A lot of them do] what can you do to help? I can tell you that bitching and whining about it does nobody any good. So here are some suggestions to help make your FRG a better operation:
- Volunteer. Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. If you are upset because you aren’t getting phone calls, or event invites, or emails, then call your FRG leader. She is only one person, and can’t do it all. Sometimes, believe it or not, they need help.
- Reach out to the other spouses. Ask them to coffee. Let them know that you may be able to babysit one day if you don’t have any kids. When you get to know the other spouses that are left behind with you, it makes it easier to want to get involved with those people.
- Give your FRG leader a break. Sometimes, as with our current FRG leader, they get thrown into the position without any warning. Or without even being asked. They may not be getting paid for it, as is the current trend to do, so they probably have other things going on. And, they aren’t always the Commander’s wife, as it should be. In the three years we’ve been with this current company, the CO’s wife hasn’t been involved ONCE. It may be a learning experience for them.
- Attend meetings and events. When your FRG hosts an event, attend if at all possible. If the events are not your cup of tea, speak to the FRG leader about more suitable events. If you don’t go [and are able to -- I realize not everyone is able], and don’t put in your two cents in, you have no right to complain.
- Keep your information up to date. It is important, especially during deployments, that the FRG knows how to contact you. This is the biggest mistake that people make. They get a new phone number. They change email addresses. They rely on their spouses [who are busy preparing for the deployments!] to pass along the right information. So many people say they don’t get any information when the information is out there. The FRG just may not know how to get a hold of you. Be sure to also pass along alternate contact information when you will be out of town, whether it is for a few days or a few months.
- Remember spouses have no rank. Regardless of your spouses rank in the military, that rank is not your own. We all go through the same things during deployments. We all miss our spouses, and deal with being left behind. Use that common ground.
What about you guys? Have you been involved in your FRG’s, currently or in the past? What has worked for you and what hasn’t? Let us know!
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I really enjoyed reading about a positive FRG experience, I’ve seen quite a big on how they don’t work well or folks don’t like them.
This may be opening a whole can of worms, but I’m really curious about non-spouse participation….as in the GF or fiance. I’ve read it’s hit or miss as far as them feeling welcome as a part of the FRG.
Hey SS. Thanks for the comment!
I don’t think it’s a can of worms at all. Personally, I’m a fan of non-spouse participation. Just because they aren’t married doesn’t mean that there isn’t a girlfriend or fiance out there that isn’t going through the same things that us married folks are.
Our FRG has always extended that offer to girlfriends/spouses. I was “just” the fiance when I moved out here, and they welcomed me with open arms. I try to extend the same when I know about it.
Whether or not they chose to participate is another thing. But we always try to make them welcome. Same with family members. Anybody who wants to be included in updates, emails, and meeting notification, they are added to the lists.
I have been an Army Wife for 17 years and was a soldier for about 4 years. I have seen the good and the bad with FRG. But like anything it’s what the wives make it. If you have a bad FRG then try making it better. Reach out to other wives without rumors/she said, she said stuff. But like get together for lunch,dinner,potlucks, movies etc.
You have to remember FRG is a SUPPORT Group. We need to support one another, not bring them down or spread rumors.
No one is going to understand what you are going through BUT ANOTHER military wife.
Well said, Nickie, and you are absolutely right. The FRG is a support group, and a line of communication between the Service Members and their families/loved one. They are not a gossip ring, a way to put other wives down, or a babysitter.
Good advice!
Your blog makes me want to cry. You are very lucky. We had an FRG for about 5 months. Our company is also very small, with very few married soldiers. The FRG was lead by a platoon sgt’s wife because the commander’s wife didnt want to do it. And that kinda set the tone for the whole thing. I had just moved here and really wanted to be apart of something that I could learn army things from. So there were many many meetings where it was me and the FRG leader. We planned lots of stuff for the company, a fall pumpkin picking party for the kids, a halloween bash for the guys, bowling parties, etc. But there was very little interest. So this lady talked to the commander and when she didnt get any support from him, she decided she needed to walk away to make a point. Three weeks later, we got word of a deployment. We could have really use a FRG at that point. So the commander started having “FRG meetings” that the soldiers HAD to attend with their families. He was a very bad leader. Not a good PR guy (of course, that’s not his job). He probably never thought about the civilians in the room. He didnt speak English, he spoke Army. And it had a tendency to piss the army wives off. At the end of the third meeting, his wife came up to me and asked me to be the FRG leader. At this point, I’ve been married to my husband for a year, been doing this army thing for a year, and I felt like the FRG was made for people like me, the ones that didnt know anything about tricare and deployments. I told her no. She got mad. Very interesting conversation about supporting our husbands. Keep in mind, she’s the commander’s wife that didnt want the FRG in the first place. I told her that when my hubby was an E-7, E-8, and they needed a FRG leader, I would be the first to volunteer, but not when I didnt have a darn clue.
But my hubby’s platoon sgt’s wife and I are still tight. And when I need advice or have a weird question, or even just need to vent about something, I call her. She’s been doing this army wife thing for a while and completely understands. She can calm me down and give me a game plan to go by. She even gives me news that hasnt gone out to the soldiers yet that she gets from her hubby. It’s so nice to feel like I have someone on my side that knows how I feel.
You know, I longed for something like the FRG. When my husband got to a real unit out of training and we found it I realized what a great program it could be. Then… I was told only leadership really did anything (by the leader) and that I was not needed. Thankfully, I had put myself out there and met others that were searching for the same as me. Friendship, positive attitudes and people going through the same thing. We formed our own friendships outside the FRG.
My opinion, an FRG leader should not get to be in the position if she is young and has not had any kids or been married less than a year. I am sorry, but that was my experience, so when she planned a girls night out filled with drinking ( most of us were not interested).
On, a lighter note: This program would be awesome if it were set up better or had better training. I took the leader course and it is not as extensive as I think it should be. You truly are blessed to have a great FRG and I am positive in my next one (we are PCSing) I will make sure to help out even if they don’t want it and get more involved for those that really need it.
We are Navy and I think our FRG works a bit different (our as in the ones I’ve been involved with). Our CO’s wife is never in charge, ie the president, though the ones I’ve been involved with she has been a part of the group.
I’ve had mostly positive experiences with my FRGs, which I am happy to tell others about! There are a lot of stereotypes out there as to what an FRG is like or what they do and I am the first to tell people that what they heard is wrong.
The most surprising thing is to have a neighbor talk about how much she hates the FRG, doesn’t like the ombudsman, thinks the group is stupid, etc. – only to volunteer and become the VP. It was hard for me to see her as being serious considering all I heard a mere month before. I’m sure it wasn’t hard for others though because they weren’t her neighbor and didn’t hear everything!
Loved reading about your experiendces and I’m glad things have improved since I was out there with you. I would love to have a group as tight as yours and I know that means getting more involved. By the way, I shared your website with my FRG leader so hopefully she can pass it on and grow your audience!
I’m going to try to check back more regularly so keep up the good work!
love ya, Sarah